Let’s have a talk about…"i am asking for too much"

Let’s have a talk about…

“I am asking for too much”

No honey, you are not asking for too much. You ask what you need. And if it’s too much for others to handle. Then it means they are not what you need.

Simple as that.

No need for guilt. Why would you be sorry for needing “too much”? “Too much” compared to what? We are all different individuals, with different wounds to caress and heal. We have different tastes, and different interests…and different ways to feel, give and receive. Why would you be sorry for asking too much?

There is nothing wrong with you feeling unsatisfied. It means you love yourself and you strive for better. It doesn`t make you ungrateful.

But allowing yourself to aim higher while still being grateful does turn you into a wiser-choice-making person. A happier one too.

They say we accept the love that we think we deserve. Feel, give, receive.

Yes, in order for you to have a healthy, functional relationship, you have to be the balanced individual we all strive to become. Yet you find yourself stuck between layers of issues of many kind and you forget about balance. You end up turning love into a battlefield. You get jealous, you get angry, you get distant or clingy…you toss and turn because you are unsure about yourself.

Let’s go back to the roots for a while…

You once were a kid, then life happened. No instructions, just demands. You received a certain level of knowledge from institutions such as school, high-school, college or home learning and yet it was not enough. School didn't teach you how to face a divorce, or the loss of someone close to you. Nobody ever taught you how to fit in or lay low, how to confess to that boy, how to wear a condom. School didn’t though you how to care for your sibling, or drunk parent.

But still you did all kinds of stuff. You just tried. Maybe your choices were influenced by people around you, maybe you decided everything on your own…maybe you were more or less proud of the outcome, but you lived your life. Life that turned into past.

Maybe your parents helped a lot, maybe you grew up as an orphan. Maybe you had plenty of friends to help you cope with the pain, maybe you were on your own all along. However your past was. It happened.

Now picture your heart as a paper sheet. In the beginning your heart is a new perfect paper sheet. As you grow older and experience life, that paper sheet is folded and unfolded. So basically, your heart looks pretty shitty by the time you get older. Every pattern represents an interaction, a memory, a feeling. We all have different looking paper sheets as we all have a different past. Some hearts got deteriorated or messy. Some turned into origami.

Different hearts need different love, just the way different diseases are cured with different treatment or drug. So how could it be wrong that you ask for more?

It means that by folding and unfolding, somewhere along the way you developed some sensibilities, some weak spots, or certain fragility. And all you ask is for that fragility to be taken care of. Your heart is authentic, your past is authentic, your feelings and needs are authentic, because they are yours.

So no sweetie, you never ask for too much.

Yes. You might ask too much from the wrong person. Every individual you encounter has a certain amount of resources available. Just like puzzle pieces, every person in your life fits somewhere. And is there for a certain reason. And if that someone doesn`t fit as a lover, then he or she is simply not meant for that. Maybe they are meant to be your friends, or just some passing-by stranger. They are not going to stay in your life forever and make you happy. Yes, sometimes you strive to make It seems like that someone is all you ever needed. And that is because you have no patience.

You wake up unhappy next to someone because either you are too scared to communicate with them out of fear of being rejected, criticized, etc. Those fears come from a deeper fear of not being worthy of better treatment (we'll discuss the "i`m not enough" issue in another article), either you force others into being what you need by manipulation and force. 

So you might find yourself losing people…because maybe you tried to change them or because you neglected your inner needs. But you can.t trick life. You can only trick yourself.

Now let me tell you something about puzzle pieces and patience. As a kid I used to play with puzzles…now I want a single person to approach me and tell me you didn't need like shit tones of patience to get a huge puzzle done.

Well life is like a puzzle. And everything is a puzzle piece. Your partner, your career, your life choices, your habits, your thought. Everything is a puzzle piece and a puzzle itself.

Let me tell you what this means…it means a huge freaking puzzle that is yours to build. With tiny, little puzzle pieces. And you keep adding pieces all your life.

What happens is that you lose some pieces along the way…now here is the problem. You tend to run after the pieces, trying to get them back, and just play pretend, instead of focusing on collecting the new ones. You want certain things to be the same.

 But your life is like a river…life is dynamic…so the entire puzzle is dynamic.

Just stop for a minute from chasing the past, trying to get all the pieces back together the way they were, in their old place…Because as life changes, everything else changes and you find yourself running after something that lost its meaning along the way.

Yes. It is purely frustrating. You just finish one bit of a puzzle, and then it changes and you have to do it again. And every time is harder. Is like the previous puzzle you just built becomes a puzzle piece for a greater puzzle. And it just goes on and on.

You lack patience because you are afraid. You are afraid that he is going to hurt you. You are afraid she is going to get bored of you. You are scared you`ll feel like a fool.

Because you suffered. And life has stripped you off your naïve skin. And you feel like you cannot take another hit. But allow your heart to melt with all the frost bites from the past.

Yes. Losing your boyfriend was harder than you thought. Yes, losing yourself, was even harder than that.

Yes. People close to you come and go. Everything is dynamic. It means you are alive.

Realize that you want a change. Don’t resist it. Innovate. Embrace your need, caress your wounds and see where it gets you.

Ask him to call you more often, tell her to listen to you more. Discuss and communicate with your partner. Stop being afraid of saying the wrong thing and start focusing on saying what feels right for you.

And if he or she is the puzzle piece you need, they will reassure you and they will share their resources with you. They will plant hope in your soul. For another cycle, more unique.

And if they are not the puzzle piece you are looking for, then shake hands and let them go. They belong to another puzzle. Enable yourself to make space in your life for the best people and don`t be afraid of letting people go, or even pushing them away.

Your prime responsibility is to love yourself, when you get to love yourself you also get how hard it is for everyone to build their puzzle and you start respecting other people for building their own. So when a piece does not fit, breath in. Relax, don`t hold grudges...don`t force anybody to please you. Ask and wait to receive. If you do not receive be wise. Understand that the way you are not meant for everybody, the same way not everybody is meant for you. 

Just let it go with the minimum damage done. 

But allow yourself to ask give and receive. Be dynamic. 

As a wise man said “be water, my friend”.